40+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (October 26, 2024)

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  • 01
    Andrew 'Steiner' Hodgson @DistantValhalla TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks. Him: "The are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers? Me: "Oh they're just light sticks. For concerts and stuff." He then leaned in and did a Yoda voice. "MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM." He said. Blindsided me. 2:59 PM 10/14/24 2.9M Views 297 1 13K 226K ☐ 8.3K 企
  • 02
    nico @strongerpotions putting these babies on and walking really really slowly on campus. and when people get irritated and pass me i just gesture at the boots and shrug horse dentist @equine_dentist. 1d you couldn't even begin to fathom my drip 9E4 Karss 9:16 PM 10/15/24 3M Views
  • 03
    Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit The worm unit was led by Tanya Lapointe, someone who "understood perfectly my vision," Villeneuve said, adding: "She's my wife, also." • 7:04 PM 10/12/24 479K Views 35 1 1.5K 20K 830 企
  • 04
    Rodger Sherman ✪ @rodger You're telling me there's a whole company named "Panda Express" and when it's time to actually transport and deliver pandas another company does it O Nick lannelli @NickWTOP. 1d Just in: The National Zoo's new pandas JUST arrived. @WTOP FedEx Welcome, Panda! I'm cheering. 0:19 ខ FedEx
  • 05
    MJ @mm_jiselle Well it ain't called One TAL @Checkmyresume . 9h Is Uno a mexican game • 1:18 PM 10/9/24 3.1M Views •
  • 06
    bobby ❤ @bobbylikesbeers feel like we could've taken this from a better angle brotha seppo+*:) @seppovague. 2d ich und wer
  • 07
    Pranav Mehta @i_pranavmehta Someone took "practice what you preach" too seriously. r/todayilearned Posted by u/CoolGuess ⚫ 7h TIL that in 2009, Tim Cook offered a portion of his liver to Jobs, since both share a rare blood type and the donor liver can regenerate tissue after such an operation. Jobs yelled, "I'll never let you do that. I'll never do that." XrosRoadKiller 1h S 2 Awards He d ed as he lived... Unwilling to allow 3rd party Integration. 11:18 AM 10/17/24 721K Views 36 1.6K Reply 237 3
  • 08
    awrealya, m.a. @BlkMissFrizzle Someone please update me post-hurricane about this house specifically W Bel Papiyon W @reignofglitter. 22h I know that's right!! 10:46 PM 10/8/24 18M Views 1.3K 132K 525K ☐ 70K ↑
  • 09
    Lev Parikian @LevParikian Sitting and standing all day are both bad, which leaves lying down as the best option, which is what I've been saying for years. Health Standing desks may be bad for your health, study suggests ALT 3:48 AM 10/17/24 • 2.8M Views . 417 178.5K 98K 2.9K 企
  • 10
    T @Mad Dad2020 We went thru my kid's iPad. My wife is upset but "Latina twerk compilation" has me crying tears. 10:56 PM 10/15/24 22M Views 2.2K 17 30K 581K ☐ 30K ↑
  • 11
    AR Olly iConic @OllyiConic if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you 9:37 PM 10/7/24 275K Views ○ 2 17849 15K 216 ↑
  • 12
    pj ❤ @pjayevans Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around 3:11 PM 10/10/24 1M Views • 45 17 4.2K 53K ☐ 1.2K
  • 13
    sophie ❤ @netcapgirl ever since i was young i wanted to transform unstructured data into actionable business insights 12:53 PM 10/15/24 · 1.2M Views • 208 4.8K 46K 2.7K
  • 14
    morGGGan @vermont_morgan if you have never had a true email job, you might think "it's an email job, surely that means - everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed" but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth 12:45 PM • 10/14/24 1M Views 61 13.7K 51K 1.2K 企
  • 15
    trash jones @jzux i love finding out a person my age is already divorced. like bro you lapped me 12:36 PM - 10/15/24 2.1M Views 155 15.6K 110K ☐ 1.7K
  • 16
    graet @graetgalaxy i never even considered dr. pepper could be a woman. maybe i'm a bad person • 11:46 AM 10/14/24 5.7M Views 721 17 26K 314K ☐ 8.1K
  • 17
    Kenjac @JackKennedy Great, yet another new Apple charger Los Angeles Chargers @chargers 23h we've signed CB Eli Apple to the practice squad • 8:13 PM 10/14/24 3.1M Views 90 2.9K 78K ☐ 767
  • 18
    katie @katefeetie just heard a mom on the subway tell her kids to "be aware of your surroundings and notice when you're in someone's way" and I wonder how much we can pay her to give that same lecture to every other person in new york 11:06 AM 10/13/24 1.6M Views 179 17 7.1K 159K ☐ 2.9K ↑
  • 19
    majo-cus pocus @Majonotyoho this needs to be talked about so little that we should invent a new type of silence for it jess! @jessicobra-2d we need to talk about how giving people a "plus one" for events is lowkey polyphobic • 10:12 AM 10/14/24 830K Views 23 1839 22K 355 企
  • 20
    No Context Brits @NoContextBrits Good for him. 1860 SPANKS ARTHUR SPANKS HIS WIFE KATHERINE 6:00 AM 10/14/24 315K Views 63 17269 1919 4.6K ☐ 150
  • 21
    LawfulGitGud @420mercymain69 I can't believe they've already invented a slur for robots. Banbuds @Banbuds. 1d Already can't stand these teslacarsonly/... • 10:52 AM 10/13/24 4M Views 273 18.2K clankers x.com/ 138K 3.3K 企
  • 22
    Rodney Lacroix ❤ @RodLacroix Wife: I love that we finish each other's- Me: Drinks? W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE'S MY Me: Margarita? 7:30 PM 10/12/24 10K Views 7 • 1752 418 ☐ 3
  • 23
    Mandalynns23 @mandalynns23 We told my 4yr old I was pregnant and she was NOT happy about it. After she cried in her bed she came downstairs hands on hips and asked in the most accusatory tone "And where exactly is this new baby gonna sleep?” like we were two teens who hadn't thought this pregnancy through 9:20 AM 10/10/24 533K Views 140 • 1.3K 44K ☐ 845 ↑
  • 24
    Life of a Philly Fan @PhillyFanLife Me and the fellas talking to girls at the bar P NO-SHOW IN OCTOBER THIS SERIES P P ALEC BOHM 1 FOR 10 3 HITS IN LAST 37 AB J.T. REALMUTO O FOR 9 1 HIT IN LAST 15 AB BRANDON MARSH O FOR 9 2 HITS IN LAST 27 AB . • 9:03 PM 10/9/24 1.1M Views 32 17990 23K 920 企
  • 25
    Alison @TradWife2049 she took the midnight train going anywhere? not with americas limited rail network she didn't, she had pretty limited options • 9:51 PM 10/9/24 401K Views • 29 [ 1.6K 22K 284 I
  • 26
    nick got his 01 @spreen_co for anyone who's wondered what an apple intelligence summary of a breakup text looks like 2 MB Maddi Broke No longer in a relationship; wants belongings from the apartment. 1m ago 12:13 AM 10/10/24 538K Views 50 27 1K 26K 1.1K
  • 27
    Vivid Void @Vivid Void_ Truly one of the great bangers Everyone will not just If your solution to some problem relies on "If everyone would just..." then you do not have a solution. Everyone is not going to just. At not time in the history of the universe has everyone just, and they're not going to start now. 3,983 notes Aug 4th, 2017 5:02 PM 10/9/24 700K Views 102 13.4K ♡ 32K ☐ 3.7K 企
  • 28
    Alex Cohen @anothercohen Waffle House has a Storm Center with an entire operations team that is so good at their job they assist FEMA during hurricanes. The European mind cannot comprehend this 10:43 PM 10/8/24 1.4M Views 324 17 3.8K 35K ☐ 2.9K ↑
  • 29
    Terrible Maps ❤ @TerribleMaps Cyclist recreates Nirvana's "Nevermind" Album Cover NGE indon Rd FULUAM GARDENS UNDERDALE FULHAM WEST EACH GLENELG NORTH GLENELG South R RICHMOND KURRALTA PARK KADORE Marion Rd MEDINDIE ROSTREVO NORTH ADELAIDE ST PETERS sill Rd AULDAN South Rd KENT TOWN Kensington Ro BURNS DE Adelaide PARKSIDE UNLEY MALVERN MYRTLE BANK CLAPHAM A 312 m Cle Conse P 11K ☐ 248 企 • 8:26 AM 10/19/24 360K Views 74 . 17482
  • 30
    Mis-Aligned Objects MBA @mis_aligned Now that we've picked a date and venue, my only goal for the wedding is convincing my fiancée that this is the move Signature Hers COORS LIGHT DRINKS Barley Malt, Hop Extract, Lager Yeast His COORS LIGHT Barley Malt, Hop Extract, Lager Yeast HE LIGHT
  • 31
    julia @CatgirlAnarcho my boyfriend is so cute bo Hey Sweetie, I'm at work, Dinner is on The Stove. You only have to light it, the gas is already Turned on. Love you YOU - xxx- ♡ 8:50 AM 10/18/24 5.6M Views
  • 32
    Poe's Law, Esq: Poe's Lawyer @dyingscribe we never discuss the emotional labor of guys holding back great jokes and comebacks to not make their girl cry 12:16 AM 10/18/24 3.5M Views • 255 1 11K 104K ☐ 6.7K ↑
  • 33
    Zach Raffio @zachraffio ME: I don't think a Muppet “West Side Story" works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn't at all align with their established worldview THERAPIST: ok so like I said we're gonna up your dosage 10:55 AM 10/19/24 679K Views 82 12.2K 33K 1K ↑
  • 34
    Hi I'm Solomon @solomonmissouri You living in a movie where the villains actually win AYANOKOJI @va_lidate. 2d I need a movie where the villain actually won 11:34 PM 10/18/24 3.7M Views . 290 17 35K 202K 3.6K ↑
  • 35
    Ryan Briggs @ryancbriggs When I was young I fixed my parents' computer and now that I'm older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work? 5:37 PM 10/18/24 4.3M Views 1.7K 17 7.6K 118K 3.7K 企
  • 36
    준지성**. @sweetblue7777 i love chinatown bc why does this boba shop do key cutting LOL THEART CAFE C1. Mil $4.25 smine Green Milk Tea A12. Taro Milk Tea C4. Cap THEART CAFE $3.75 $3.75m HEART CAFE VING ZE cken corn We do Key Cutting 配匙 TOP 10 Elo. Green Tea Slushu Slushy D18. Cookies & Cream 4D6. Watermelon B1. Passion Fruit Geen Tea 9 Acai Smoo Classic Acai, strawberry, banana, ho Coconut Acai, strawberry, banana, c milk Mango Acai, strawberry, banana, juice Passion Fruit Acai, strawberry, banan
  • 37
    •:*✩✩Leesie✩ @obsidianfawn wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped • 8:35 AM 10/18/24 782K Views 40 4.3K 41K 3.6K ↑
  • 38
    Thanks to these films y life is worth living Daniel Gorman @DanielGorman20 just told my 11y/o that I was certain about something 'to a reasonable margin of error' and she said 'shut up nerd' and my wife dropped her bowl from laughing so hard 10:22 AM 10/19/24 365K Views 39 1948 24K 790 企
  • 39
    Cody Wimmer @Cody Wimmer You want me to go apple picking? The original sin??? 3:03 PM 10/19/24 316K Views • ○ 7 1.9K 17K ☐ 536 ↑
  • 40
    philippa water @offputting_guy Huge news for early birds CINEMA Cinema Solace @SolaceCinema. 1d Denis Villeneuve says 'DUNE: MESSIAH' will have "more worms." (Source: deadline.com/2024/10/denis-...) 12:27 PM 10/19/24 1.3M Views 37 2.7K 48K 663 ↑
  • 41
    OLUMIDE @mideysmith changing the phone's language setting to a random language and not being able to change it back to English Wicked_wife @talllizzy_girl. 4d What traumatized you as a kid? 4:19 AM 10/18/24 3.8M Views 562 23K 138K ☐ 2.3K ↑

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